01/52 // THE 52 PROJECT REVISITED

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“a portrait of my children, once a week, every week, in 2015”

emet: his current obsession.
jade: my child wild.
roux: the quiet observer.

A lot more than this portrait series got away from me last year, that’s for sure. While I’m not one to harbor regret, I can say with a great deal of certainty that I simply did not slow down enough to enjoy the little things, and away they slipped. With nearly a full week behind us already, it seemed as if this year was headed in much the same manner, which is precisely why, instead of driving straight home after school this afternoon, we took a small detour to the playground. It’s amazing how special half an hour can feel, even on an ordinary Wednesday afternoon.

RANDOM THOUGHTS ON THE LAST TUESDAY OF 2014

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baby toes. you’re welcome.

My big kids just left for their weekly overnight with their father, that stubborn tiny guy of mine is finally finally napping, and the house is both quiet and clean, leaving me a moment to sit and gather my thoughts. Clickety clack.

I honestly can’t believe how quickly this year flew by. I’ve said this a million times already, but only because it is so very true.

Then again, I feel about a bajillion miles away from the person I was at this time last year. And really, the only thing I miss about being her was that she was pregnant. I will always miss being pregnant. I didn’t want it to end. But it did, and that is when the life of my Huckleberry friend began, and what a glorious thing it is to get to be that boy’s mama. He is so delicious.

Life with a preteen, a second grader, and an infant is blindingly exhausting, I will just come right out and say it. But only in the very best possible way. These little people, one of whom is an inch shy of standing eye to eye with his mother, they are remarkable. I am in awe of them, their talents, their thoughts, and am so very inspired by the way in which they each face the tests they are given with grace, dignity, and confidence. I’ll say it until the day there is no breath left in my lungs, they have taught me more than I could ever teach them in a hundred thousand lifetimes. They are brilliant, and I’m lucky they chose me. The luckiest.

And then there is this man I’m going to marry. He’s something else. The whole of the universe conspired to bring us together, and this little blended family we’ve created is of what I am most proud. We have had some wild adventures together, this tribe of mine, moving more times in four years than some ever do. Which is why getting to celebrate New Year’s Eve in the very same house where we celebrated last year is so significant: the last time this happened, Jade was a year old.

Who knows how long we’ll be in this place. We are, after all, a rambunctious bunch cursed with wild and extravagant imaginations, for whom things like relocating to the French Countryside sound not only practical, but down right necessary. With a brief stop in New York City on the way, of course. As you do. But being here, in sunny San Diego, has helped each of us to thrive in a way I don’t think any other place could have. It’s an expensive place to live, you can be sure, but it’s worth it. I like to call it the Sun Tax. You pay for what you get! I’m looking at you, Oregon.

As for me, this has been a deeply, profoundly personal year. I am not who I was, even two months ago. I’m even eating eggs, but that is a story for another day. My point is that there are some years where I have gone, didn’t I accomplish anything? But not this year. This was a year of doing. I did a lot. Maybe more than any other year of my life, big things, small things, things only me and my Creator know about, so many things. To list them would be in poor taste, I think, because it feels a little bit like gloating. So instead, I will say this. Good things come to those who wait, work hard, and want it bad enough.

You guys, the baby is still sleeping (!) and I think I actually just wrote something from start to finish, without being interrupted once. THIS ALMOST NEVER HAPPENS. Maybe I should go paint my nails, or even crazier, take a nap myself. What I should definitely do is eat some lunch, which is to say it’s time for me to beg my mister to take me out for burritos when the baby wakes up from the nap I was pretty sure he was never going to take.

Look at how much I can get done when you sleep, Roux!

A DREAM IS A WISH YOUR HEART MAKES

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this photo is old and blurry, but i love it. mostly because it was taken by emet, but also, her eyes. and that runny nose!

I was raised on fairy tales of the Disney variety, never thinking twice that the good people at the House of Mouse weren’t actually the ones responsible for those stories. So, naturally, when I discovered the Brothers Grimm, I was a little miffed that ol’ Walt and his team of animators positively bastardized the complexities of the German folklore.

When Emet was born, one of the sweetest gifts I was given was a complete and unabridged collection of the original Grimm’s Fairy Tales. I suppose the only thing more complete would be an untranslated version, but sprechen sie Deutsch I do not. So, English it was, and oh! The language in those stories is just poetic.

It was a few years later, when I was in training to become a Waldorf teacher, that I learned just how important these particular narratives – and the eloquent language contained therewithin – are to young children. The curriculum of the Early Childhood and the First Grade are based entirely upon classic fairy tales and so it was that I decided my children would not bear witness to the animated movies of my childhood. Also, I’m of the media-free childhood persuasion, so it wasn’t really an issue.

As my children have grown, they have indeed been exposed to their fair share of movies and television shows, albeit far less than the average American child. And yet, purely by coincidence, the Disney movies were left unwatched. A few months ago, we were at a restaurant where each of my big kids were given a coloring page. Emet’s was Sponge Bob, and Jade’s was Belle. And while Mr. Squarepants was instantly recognized by the both of them, neither Emet nor Jade could name the princess or the film from whence she came. I felt a little bit proud and a little bit sad, because truly, I loved those movies. LOVED THEM.

So, when my handsome mister called me into his office a week or so ago to show me a trailer he’d come across of a live-action version of Cinderella due to hit theaters this coming Spring, I rolled my eyes a little because, honestly, how good could it be? Only so good that I cried. Not once, not twice, but three times. Every hair on my body was standing on end, and the flutters in my heart told me I had to share this with my daughter.

I will never forget her eyes as she watched, like saucers they were, filled with stars and fairy dust and all the magic I remember from when I was a little girl. In that moment, I knew exactly what I had to do. Why, read her Ashputtel of course, a tale which she’s heard at least a half dozen times.

When Christmas morning came, there was a small package finished with glittering gold ribbon addressed to the youngest maiden of the house. And when she opened it up, she squealed with delight to find her very own copy of Disney’s Cinderella.

To be honest, I can’t remember the last time I saw that movie. I’m almost positive I was Jade’s age, or thereabouts. But when she and I sat down later Christmas day to watch it together, from the moment the first note of the overture sounded, I was mesmerized. I remembered all the songs, all the funny little things the mice say, all the magic. Sharing this film with my beautiful girl, at an age when she is more than ready to appreciate it purely as entertainment, well, it was perfect.

She and I have a date to the movie theatre this coming March, and we are so excited we can hardly stand it!

IF I CAN DO IT, SO CAN YOU

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image via

One of the reasons I don’t write about extended family is because it’s a complicated subject. There are lots of hurt feelings, practically an ocean’s worth of water under a very long bridge, and for most of my adult life, I have chosen to remove myself from the chaos. For several years now, I haven’t spoken much, if at all, to any of my relatives on either side of my splintered family, a practice that is equally liberating as it is isolating.

The truth is, I carry around an awful lot of pain and sadness, big armfuls of agony I’ve somehow managed to collect one way or another. Hard as I might try to shutter away the darkness and to pay extra close attention to the good and the beautiful, it is always there, right under the surface, and it comes out to haunt me when I least expect it.

Like during the Holidays, for instance.

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THE CROWNING OF THE YEAR

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This is it, folks. The home stretch. All the candles on the Advent Wreath are illuminated, we’re more than halfway through Hanukkah, and tonight is the longest night of the year which might be the one I look forward to most of all. I love a good Winter Solstice the way I love a good song, a firm tug on the old heartstrings kind of thing. Also, there’s a new moon tonight and I read somewhere on Instagram that this will actually be the longest night in history? I’m not sure about that last bit, but it sure sounded mystical.

This part of the year just gets me, you guys. It’s my spirit season, I think, because I’m always filled with so much gratitude and inspiration, something about looking back and forward all at once, celebrating what has been and what is yet to come. All the caroling and cookie baking and tidings of good cheer, all the decorations and the stories and the movies, this stuff thrills me through and through.

We spent nine straight hours cleaning our house today – it might actually be shining like the top of Chrysler Building, thank you very much Mrs. Hannigan – and tomorrow morning, the Salvation Army will be coming by to collect a dozen bags filled with things that have worn their welcome with us but that might find new purpose elsewhere. I’ve intended to make this a sort of tradition for the past few years, and the fact that I’ve finally managed to pull it all together is extremely gratifying.

With only four sleeps until Christmas morning, the excitement is mounting by the minute. Our halls have had a proper decking and our tree is finally all gussied up in her holiday finest after spending three straight weeks standing in our living room naked as the day we brought her home from the lot. I’ve named her Aster, fitting for the lovely late bloomer she’s turned out to be, and she smells divine.

There are a few projects that need finishing, a few packages that need wrapping, and at least a half dozen movies that need watching before the big day arrives, not to mention countless cookies that need to be baked and eaten. All the makings of a cozy, quiet, homemade holiday with my happy, healthy(-ish, we’ve got some coughs and runny noses), adorable family in our super clean home in the hills of sunny San Diego. All my Christmas wishes granted, and I haven’t even opened a single present!

Wishing you and yours a week filled with joy, from the bottom of my very happy heart.

THANKSGIVING WEEKEND RECAP

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a feast so nice, I made it twice

I’m in complete denial of the fact that twelve hours from now I’ll be in the middle of first grade main lesson. This break shaped up to be everything I wanted it to be and I just don’t want it to end. I’m already dreading kissing that baby goodbye, the familiar pit in my stomach having returned after taking a few days off, long enough for me to entirely reconsider our present arrangement.

Being at home has been good, real heart warming and such. This family of mine is something else, tantrums and all. Eleven and eight is just about as far apart as three years can get, is what I’ve come to think about the whole situation. That it’s a phase doesn’t make it any more tolerable, however, so patience can be tested and often is. But between the erratic sleeping schedule of our precious nine month old and the seemingly constant bickering of the elder siblings, we all managed to really relax over the Holiday weekend. Even B was able to unplug from work for a few days, something that very rarely happens, which made everything that much more cozy and delightful.

We watched our fair share of seasonal flicks:

Christmas Classics, Volume One
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966)
Arthur’s Christmas
Elf
A Muppet Christmas Carol
Miracle on 34th Street (1994)

We ate more than our fair share of festive fare:

Mashed Potatoes with Broccoli, White Carrots, and Chives
Roasted Brussels Sprouts
Leek and French Lentil Gravy
Butter Lettuce Salad with Persian Cucumber, Black Olive, Purple Carrot, Pomegranate Seed, and Avocado with a Shallot Champagne Vinaigrette
Stuffffing
Cranberry Sauce
Dinner Rolls
Pumpkin Pie
Maple Bourbon Apple Pie
S’mores Bites

Most of my time since Wednesday has been spent in the kitchen and frankly, I wouldn’t have it any other way. And yes, everything was delicious. Which is why I made almost all of it again from scratch on Saturday, mostly because there was a surplus of cranberry sauce and no leftovers left, but plenty of on-hand ingredients. Including the most important ingredient of all, time.

Oh, spare time. You elusive unicorn. How I have reveled in your luxury.

Also, one of my dearest friends for nearly twenty years came and spent the weekend with us. And to top things off, we got our Christmas tree this afternoon. She doesn’t have a name yet, but she’s a beauty.

I might not have gotten my act together in time to set up our Advent wreath or bake any molasses cookies, but the scent of evergreen is swirling through the air and it’s beginning to look a lot like you know what.

Hallelujah!

THANKSGIVING EVE

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a blessing from Jade’s second grade class

It’s just before midnight, which means that by the time I’m finished writing this, my pumpkin pie will be fresh out of the oven and it will officially be Thanksgiving.

Prep Day was every bit as wonderful as I hoped it would be, surprisingly much less chaotic, even. I might actually serve our meal on time! Although, I didn’t take nearly as many photos as I had intended. One of these days I’ll figure that part out. But for now, I’m pleased just to have things so neatly organized. I’m anticipating another fun day in the kitchen pulling everything together, especially the part where my daughter and I set the table.

And then we feast!

As is customary on this occasion, I present unto you my Thankful List.

My family, above all my family. I am so lucky to share my life with my sweet mister, a man so kind and hard-working, who cares for me and my children in such a beautiful way. The three little spirits that chose me to be their mama are my biggest inspiration, and my proudest accomplishment. Being a mother is a fundamental part of my identity, and watching these three grow makes me happier than anything else on Earth.

Our life here in San Diego is beyond my wildest dreams. Our house, our neighborhood, our school, our friends, all of it is just so good. Granted, it’s obscenely expensive and a lot of hustling is required in order for us to stay, but we’ve lived at the same address going on fifteen months and I’m so grateful to get to have this experience.

There are a million different little things like late night sewing, strong coffee, good comedy, the sound of my children laughing, the way B’s neck smells, I simply could not list them all here. But it is these little things that conspire to make my life so darn lovely, and I’m never not aware of what a lucky girl I am.

I have been challenged this year in many ways, but none so agonizing as day my tiny guy was born. Those nine days, and the nine months that followed, taught me about faith and resilience, opening my eyes and my heart to the delicacy in each and every moment. I am a different person than I was before I was put under anesthesia, and it’s hard not to be grateful for something, even something awful, that I believe actually bettered me.

Before I go, I want to let you in on one of my little secrets. The night before Thanksgiving, I put a whole bunch of vegetable scraps (like the ones I gathered while prepping the stuffing, salad, and gravy) into my crock pot along with a handful of fresh herbs and a sprinkling of some spices, cover it all up with water, turn that sucker on low, and let the savory aroma of fresh vegetable stock filter through my house all night long. When we wake up, the air will be positively intoxicating, and I’ll not have cooked a darn thing yet. It’s a great way to get the day started, in my humble opinion, as there is definitely something rather wholesome and fulfilling to a house smelling so delicious.

With that, I’m off. Wishing you and yours a very cozy and very yummy Holiday!

READY, SET, CELEBRATE

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last year’s pie in progress, which will definitely be making a repeat performance this year

Cue the carols and pop the champagne, it’s Prep Day!

I think today might be my favorite day of the year, if I had to choose just one. Fact is, there is absolutely nothing at all that warms me to the core the way spending hours in the kitchen cooking for the people I love most does, especially when the meal I’m preparing happens to be our Thanksgiving Feast. It is perhaps the only occasion that requires meticulous planning and expert execution in terms of my culinary prowess, which is to say it’s the one time I feel even a little bit like a real chef, my not-so-secret aspiration.

I headed to the markets early this morning, fully prepared to brave absolute chaos as penance for my procrastination, when instead I was treated to the most charming and fortuitous shopping experience ever at both Trader Joe’s and Whole Foods, and if you’re a Central San Diego local, you know exactly how truly special an event this was. Parking spot directly across from the front entrance? Check, check. Every ingredient I needed (and then some, ahem)? Check, check. No lines and friendly cashiers? Check, check! Bonus points to the cute old ladies at TJ’s, whom I was more than happy to assist in locating the green beans. Did I mention that I was alone? CHECK, CHECK, CHECK!!!

Homeward bound, laden with delicious abundance, this is when the Holidays really begin. The next 24 hours will be spent carefully and lovingly crafting a positively royal spread to be enjoyed by the finest of folk, followed immediately by Christmas movies + cookies + the decking of our halls. It just doesn’t get any better, it really doesn’t.

I have so so so much gratitude bursting forth from my soul for all the many blessings that have been showered upon me this year. Yes, it has been a painful year, quite literally so, but it’s also been the kind of year that is transformative. I can’t remember the last time I cooked Thanksgiving in the same kitchen two years in a row because I don’t think it has ever happened before. We are so fortunate to call this place home, and even more fortunate are we to have added a new place setting at our Holiday table, for one Roux Huckleberry, the most scrumptious baby in all the land. You can bet I will be nibbling on him for dessert tomorrow, thank you very much.

The time has come for me to throw on my apron and get to work. I’m trying my hand at plant-based pumpkin pie, a special request from my eldest child, along with all of our favorite festive dishes. And stuffing. Stuffffing. Lots of good things in store for our bellies, my friends, and I wish the very same to you. Happy Thanksgiving!

NOTE TO SELF

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Well, we didn’t make it out the door in time for jazz class Saturday morning, on account of too much hot cocoa and too many cookies, which I think might be the eight year old equivalent to a hangover? We partied preeeety hard Friday night, not one but two Christmas movies, and I stayed up extra late finishing the gift she and I made for her friend, the birthday girl. Mama + Daughter Date Nights are some of the very best, just saying.

I found myself with a few extra minutes on my hands this morning, which I put to good use by sitting down at my computer while sipping an extra cup of coffee, a rare luxury these days. Oh, Pinterest! How I’ve missed you! It’s the little things, really. The weekend flew by, and I blame it all on the fact we were busy busy busy. But here we are, Monday morning, with no school routine to speak of and how gloriously extravagant it feels to still be in my pajamas at nearly 10 AM. It helps that said pajamas are a pair of these, the coziest pants of all time. I might not ever take them off, actually. Sorry, B.

I’ve only two things on the agenda today – clean my house top to bottom, and brave the holiday crowds at the markets to gather the last of the necessities for Thursday’s feast – neither of which sounds particularly appealing. I’d much rather spend my day lazing about, making a mess in my studio and avoiding people altogether. There is nothing worse, in my humble opinion, than a parking lot during the Holidays. What is it with drivers? I miss my life as a cyclist every single day, but never more than during this time of year!

I realize none of this is particularly interesting, which, to me, is precisely what makes it so compelling. There is a kind of sweet, calm energy pulsing through my home, and it’s rather lovely to have nothing else clouding my brain for a change except how deliciously simple things can be if I choose to see them that way.

THANKSGIVING BREAK STARTS NOW

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When you’re a teacher, even an assistant teacher as I am, there is no greater sense of accomplishment than arriving at the end of the last school day before vacation. All Fridays are special, but the Fridays before a long holiday are the stuff dreams are made of. I’ve been eagerly anticipating today for exactly such a reason, and I’m here to tell you that yes, it is as glorious an occasion as I’d expected.

We’ve got a busy weekend of dance classes, baseball tournaments, birthday parties (Happy Birthday, Mareluna!), and errands ahead of us, but first things first, I say. There is but one way to properly welcome the Holiday Season, and that is by sipping hot cocoa and nibbling on cookies while watching a Christmas movie.

It just so happens that I managed to perfect the most delicious dairy-free hot chocolate, which might actually be just the most delicious hot chocolate, period.

Unsweetened Vanilla Coconut Milk
High Quality Dark Chocolate (I used a 56% since I was making this for my daughter, but I think it would be superb with an even darker chocolate)
Maple Syrup
Dandies Marshmallows

In a saucepan over medium heat, whisk coconut milk until evenly heated through but not boiling or scalded. Add a few pieces of chocolate, and continue whisking until well incorporated. Sweeten to taste with a splash of maple syrup, top with a few marshmallows, and cozy up with your loved ones. Pro tip: anything made to the accompaniment of Christmas music tastes better.

It’s called the most wonderful time of year because it is!