I woke up this morning with crimson between my legs, exactly one month after walking out of the hospital against medical advice.

It’s not that I’m not happy to see my moonblood, it’s just that I wasn’t expecting it quite so soon. A vivid reminder of how very un-pregnant I am – which is still rather sad – it is also a reminder of how I could become pregnant again, a most terrifying prospect.

Fifty percent of my pregnancies have had intense and severe complications. Once something in which I was most confident of my strength and ability, pregnancy and labor have become two of my biggest fears.

I am so confused by this body of mine.