I started moving before the doctors were even ready to let me go, but I was so restless it was impossible for me to be contained. Even my sweet husband couldn’t convince me to sit still so finally at two o’clock in the morning, I signed myself out Against Medical Advice – AMA, this is a thing that exists which I know about thanks to a very helpful nurse who guided the operation to break me out of the ICU.

Intensive Care, because a complication had arisen with the anesthesia. The surgery had otherwise gone very well.

But the moving. That began as soon as the anesthesia wore off. Actually, it began during anesthesia but I don’t have all the details so we’ll leave it at that.

In the two weeks that have passed since coming home from the hospital, I have made a valid effort to use my body on purpose. For a very long time, this was common practice in my daily life, but I’ve grown horrifyingly sedentary as compared to my previous self and goodness gracious I am so out of shape.

To be fair, I wouldn’t say that I have the healthiest standards. As the child of a ballerina slash beauty queen and a Hollywood Entertainment Executive, I come by every single one of my body issues honestly. Thankfully, I reveled in strength and endurance more than size or appearance, so when I say I’m out of shape, I mean that riding my bike uphill is much more difficult than it used to be. I can still get up the damn hill, but just barely.

My point in all of this is that moving is an extremely important part of how I care for myself. It has become far too easy for me to ignore the fact that taking the time to raise my heart rate and warm my muscles actually helps me to function more optimally. I’m much less tense after a good workout, this has always been true for me, it’s probably true for everyone.

I’ve noticed that a lot of what I’ve been doing without really meaning to has been about cultivating better habits. Bringing mindfulness where before there were just motions, action where before only thought.

Today as I was pushing Roux in the stroller, I realized I’m no longer restless. Now I’m just productive.

I’m at my best when I’m being productive.