Month: May 2014

19/52

Posted on by Lynzie · 1 Comment

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“a portrait of my children, once a week, every week, in 2014”

Emet: A constant state of motion.
Jade: Smile for the camera.
Roux: Fresh from a nap.

I’ve always had a kind of love/hate relationship with this holiday, if it’s even really a holiday, I’m still not sure? For starters, my own mother and I have a long history of tragic encounters as I always fell short of her expectations surrounding Mother’s Day. Then, five years ago, I made the decision to end my marriage to the father of my two older children, the inciting incident involving Mother’s Day plans that had gone awry. Of course, this particular infraction was the last in a long string of similar disappointments, but nonetheless, making such a choice cast a certain kind of damper on the day meant for honoring my role as a mother.

Each year since, Mother’s Day has found me in an unsettled place. Whether I was just starting a new job, struggling to make a strange city feel like home, or battling with plain old anxiety, it seems this day has always brought with it some sort of challenge.

Today started about as unpleasantly as possible, with a crying baby after a rather restless night, followed shortly by a sibling squabble that erupted into full on hysterics. And this was all before I’d even had any coffee! I declared our family unfit for any sort of outing, and set us all to work on various chores instead. Somewhere between the third load of laundry and moving furniture in the dining room, I realized how far five years has brought me.

Never in a million years could I have conceived of the journey that began the morning I chose divorce over despair. Yet here I am, older, wiser, happier, more grateful, more fulfilled, and more inspired than ever before. Sure, I didn’t get breakfast in bed, or even a day without my kids fighting, but this Mother’s Day was spent with the family I have always wanted caring for the house I have always dreamed of, and it was perfect. I even took photos!

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Little by little, our living space is transforming into a reflection of our family and our lifestyle. It’s been five years since I’ve lived in a place that I truly moved into, with photos in frames and art on the walls, and with help from each member of this sweet family of mine, our house is starting to really feel like our home.

Happy Mother’s Day, indeed.

HIGH // LOW // THANKFUL

Posted on by Lynzie · Leave a comment

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It seems as though my infant has developed a bit of a co-dependent sleeping habit, stubborn li’l sucker. Literally, sucker, as in the dreaded pacifier. I was never much of a pacifier enthusiast, until my oldest child, at the age of eleven months, decided to cut eight teeth at one time and was sucking on anything he could find. The pacifier, I reasoned, was at least a controlled substance, and these were the days before the now ubiquitous teething necklaces. He held on to that bloody thing until shortly after his third birthday, and at around fourteen months old, dubbed it his dodo, as in the bird, and the name has stuck.

Dodo.

It has a nice ring to it, much more so than binky. I can’t stand the word binky. So. Dodo. Jade would have nothing to do with one and therefore spent much of her infancy as a chubby pink ball of inconsolable screaming, but Roux loves him some dody. I blame the hospital and the fact that he was given a pacifier before he was given any other kind of nipple, but the fact remains that without it, my baby just will not sleep. On some days, he won’t sleep without being held and isn’t that fun? A great way to get things done, holding a baby, and I do believe my house has reached maximum clutter capacity, just in time for spring cleaning. It’s still spring, right? I live in San Diego, I can’t ever tell. Sorry, rest of the country, but what they say is true. This is America’s Finest City.

HIGH: Enough with the crying already, is what my baby is probably thinking, but Roux decided that he really likes it when we play pat-a-cake, like really, really likes it, and his face lights up in the most splendid way and it gets me every time. My heart was already a tender thing, but ever since my sweet little Huckleberry friend came into the world, I’m one giant weepfest. Life is just so beautiful, and I’m so overwhelmingly grateful, that my body literally can’t contain the wonder of it all and so my eyes leak. I can’t help it.

LOW: TAKE A NAP, BABY. That is all.

THANKFUL: After nearly seven years as a non-vehicular adult, I have joined the ranks of The Driving. Turns out, it’s not so bad. I think it’s pretty funny that I’ll be 32 this summer, and getting my license again has given me the same feeling of freedom I had when I got it the first time, sixteen years ago. Hey! Wanna go to the mall?! Kidding. But really, I had no idea that not having my driver’s license was holding me back as much as it was, and even though I’ll always have a soft spot for urban cycling, I’m pretty glad to have the ability to get around town in a car.

Tonight, the mister and I are headed out on our first actual date. We’re leaving all three kids at home with a babysitter (Thanks, Jesse!), and have plans to eat delicious food and see some stand-up comedy. We haven’t gone out like this since Babe’s birthday back in January, which means I will be washing my hair and shaving my legs today, thank you very much.

Wishing all you lovely mamas out there a Happy Mother’s Day! May you be doted on by your loved ones to your heart’s content. And chocolate.

CINCO DE MONDAY

Posted on by Lynzie · Leave a comment

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One of the smartest things I do as a mother of school aged children is pack their lunch boxes the night before, so I don’t have to pack lunches and make breakfast at the same time while rushing them out the door in time for carpool all before I’ve had my coffee. Today was definitely not that kind of morning.

We had a good weekend, the best part of which was a long overdue reunion with some of my most favorite people on the planet. We spent a leisurely afternoon snacking and chatting and splashing around in the pool and before we knew it, all three of the kids were passed out on the couch and somehow the wee hours of the morning had crept up on us. Those are my favorite kinds of days. More hints of summer, which is so close I can taste it.

I’ve always been a summer girl. I love the way the days so effortlessly spill into one another, making the passing of time seem a little bit slower. Warm, relaxed, and bright, it just suits me unlike any other season. Although, I do love fall, and who doesn’t, right? But summer has my heart.

As much as I love our school rhythm, I’m looking forward to a nice, long break from the weekday hustle and bustle. We’re just a few weeks away from summer vacation, and I’ll be honest, it can’t come soon enough.

HIGH // LOW // THANKFUL

Posted on by Lynzie · Leave a comment

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Having a preemie is a special kind of blessing. That Roux came to me as early as he did meant that, right from the beginning, we were starting from a different place. The first several days of his life were filled with so many questions and so much pain, and every week since has been a little less uncertain and a little more relaxed. Of all the things I have done, surviving those first two months of my tiny guy’s life was by far the most challenging. A baby born before it has fully developed is not the same as a baby born at term, and I will never forget how small and fragile he was the first time I held him, 36 hours after his birth.

Ten weeks later, and suddenly my preemie has grown into a baby. A squishy little person, all bright eyed and gurgly. He’s chubbed up quite nicely, and to us he seems so much bigger than he was – because he is so much bigger than he was! He has more than doubled his birthweight, weighing just about nine pounds, and fits nicely into his newborn clothes. What’s most exciting, though, is that on his seventieth day on Earth, he woke up.

HIGH: On Monday, Roux smiled at me, really smiled at me, for the first time in his life. It made me weep, from such a precious place that only a brand new mother holding her newborn infant can access, and I will always remember this as the moment my Roux Huckleberry met me. He has given me the same wide mouthed grin every day since, each time another tug on my heartstrings. I am so glad he’s here.

LOW: Extended Family Drama. Honestly, it is instances like these that make me overwhelmingly grateful for my sweet nuclear family and our lovely life, remarkably free from familial obligation and other such cumbersome attachments.

THANKFUL: Not to brag or anything, but my baby is sleeping through the night more often than not. He goes to bed between 8:30 and 9 each evening, and wakes up once between 2-4 AM, or not at all. The pediatrician was so impressed with his mature sleeping patterns as well as his substantial weight gain, and gave us a very positive prognosis. We were given quite a scare during those first few weeks, and being clear of most of what was presented to us is nothing short of a miracle. All babies are miracles, life is a miracle, but this tiny guy is my miracle. I’m just so, so grateful and I’m not sure that I ever won’t be grateful for how well he overcame his birth.

I, on the other hand, have a lot of healing to do. But knowing that my tiny guy is developing well is an invitation to turn my energy toward my own recovery.